A difficult month...

In Pace Requiescat - Dr. Aisling Butler, Dr. Jane Deasy, Dr. Eithne Walls - June 1, 2009.

The passing of these three beloved friends and classmates is still a shock to us, and the last two weeks have been very trying, exhausting and emotional. If we felt this way, I cannot imagine what their families are going through. Especially as there's still no clear idea what happened to the Air France plane, all the hurt and anger about the airline knowing about faulty parts, and there's no clear idea where their bodies / belongings are. All we can do is draw strength from continuing to remembering their bright, lively and fun-loving personalities, their ambition and optimism.

I was told about this by one of my best Irish friends / classmates before it broke in the news, and I immediately told the rest of the Americans in our class. The girls were on their way to Paris, where Et's boyfriend (someone I'd known casually before they started being a couple) was waiting at the airport. No names were released or confirmed until June 2nd, and waking up to find their photos plastered all over the papers, internet, CNN was difficult. But as soon as it was confirmed, we knew we had to be in Dublin to support others in our class, mourn with each other and pay respects to their families. And in remembering them, it would let us gain strength and have some closure regarding this terrible loss.

I'm doing MICU at one of our peripheral hospitals, and fortunately not on a very busy service. My program director was very understanding and likened this situation to 911, not at the scale of it, but because of all the uncertainty and suddenness of the situation. She immediately put in a call to the program director at the other hospital, who was very good about granting me time off to go back. I tried not to be too emotional at work, but I was not able to focus and what's worse, did not care at all about my patients (that has never happened to me before). I was on the phone 24/7 to friends overseas (phone bill is going to be exorbitant), not eating and definitely not sleeping. We tried, but it was impossible to avoid - thinking of what their final moments must have been like as a plane literally breaks apart in front of you. Although knowing the girls, they probably took some zopiclone and had a few drinks so were probably sleeping. And it was comforting to know that they were seated together.

The rest of the residents on my rotation sympathized, but I don't think some of them understood at all (although they hardly knew me). They were more concerned that my leaving increased their call time and their work load. To which I say, whatever. In times like those, work is completely trivial, but medicine is one of the most unforgiving professions. Doctors are never "allowed" to be sick, doctors are never treated like normal humans, doctors are not "allowed" to have outside issues (kids sick, housing closures, even doctor's appointments, etc etc etc). But another thing that may be difficult for them to understand, and something that I loved about my training overseas which seems to be missing in the US, is that as a class we grow up together. As a class, we are very close. Medical school is demanding everywhere, but in the UK system the oral examinations are much more intense and the classes are together for longer. It's like a family and although you have your injurious spats and there's hurt and betrayal, what's done to one spurs emotion in all. Even though we're thousands of miles apart now, we still need and draw strength from each other, and will probably continue to do so for the rest of our lives.

So the few of us Americans who were able booked rush flights to make it to Dublin for services which were held for the girls. I think all of us were a little bit wary of flying as we were still empathizing, but a beer (some ambien would have been nice) calmed me down. One of my best rowing friends (not in my class but also now a doctor and a world-class athlete) picked me up, and after a nap we went into town to meet another of my rowing friends (the three musketeers reunited) for lunch in Avoca and it was fantastic catching up. Then went into College (Trinity) to meet a sports admin friend for coffee, back to Kilmainham for a rowing meeting (!) which lasted for ages. Finally, I got to meet up with one of my best friends from my class (Peter), and he and I proceeded to have a fantastic French dinner by Dublin castle (where they wouldn't give us a second bottle of wine) and proceeded to get very very drunk at The Bank bar in town. Had a fantastic night, I don't think I've ever had such a cathartic drinking session!

The next day, we Three Musketeers had brunch in the tea rooms in Phoenix Park, then legged it over to Peter's with my stuff, changed into my dress (amazed I remembered to bring everything to look presentable) and then met two others in my class so we could drive down to Roscrea in Co. Tipperary for Aisling's service. Beforehand, we met up with the others in my class at a hotel near to the church, and seeing them all for the first time in a long time was brilliant. Obviously everyone was quite sad and emotional, but the one good thing is that it reunited us all and allowed us to feel that connection with each other again. We walked over to the church and it was very moving to see it completely fill, spilling out the sides with her friends and communities. The newspaper the next day said about a thousand people were there. The service was beautiful. what touches me most about services is the music, and the music was absolutely gorgeous, not too somber but very tasteful, and the soloist(s) were fantastic.